Nose Hair Trimming

I have entered new realms of personal weirdness thanks to the aging process and an urge to mate with the opposite gender -- in this case, my wife.

She has complained for a while now that hair has begun to sprout from various orifices in a way she considers unseemly. Personally, I see this as just part of the overall package that is me. Surely she must love my whole -- my brawny thighs, my winning smile, my raging tumescent manhood, and my nosehair.

But, apparently not.

It started with my eyebrows about a year ago. In preparation for my 40th birthday she coerced me into getting my eyebrows trimmed while getting my semi-annual haircut. When I say "trimmed", I mean "waxed". An otherwise pleasant young woman applied hot wax to the area immediately above my eyes and then ripped it off with what I like to think of as "the cloth of sadism". Then she attacked me with a pair of tweezers. I now know why they no longer allow these weapons on airliners.

My wife was pleased with the result for awhile. But then she noticed other facets of my appearance in need of cosmetic surgery. E.g. the luxuriant hair flowing from my proboscis and the winningly eccentric tufts portruding from my ears. I fought against this affront to my vanity for many many months.

But then, at Christmas, I received a gift from my crazy landlord. My charming spouse beamed as I held it in my hands. When I opened it she clapped her hands with glee. It was an electric nose hair trimmer.

For the last three weeks I've been using the excuse that it was important to make sure it was fully charged before I switched it on lest I damage the battery. Tonight, though, I bowed to pressure and fired up the infernal device.

It is a odd feeling to take a madly vibrating phallus tipped with gnashing metal teeth and jam it up one's nose. It takes a certain amount of preparation and focus. It does not help to have one's spouse at one's side jumping up and down like a schoolgirl after her first double espresso. After several false starts and a great deal of foul language I forced her out of the bathroom and bolted the door. A few minutes later the deed was done. I can only hope that the lack of protection those follicles would have afforded me won't shorten my lifespan too much.