Many many socks

I received eleven pairs of socks for Christmas. I wasn't in desperate need of socks, but I do like them. I've had a few traumatic experiences in the past where I lacked clean socks and it's still a bit of an obsession with me. A pair of comfortable clean socks fills my heart with unreasonable glee.

These eleven pairs mean I have an awful lot of socks now. In fact, as I went to bed on Christmas night I found myself for the first time thinking, "Gee, I really need to organise my sock drawer." For me, this is no longer a facetious excuse to get out of going to dinner with Stephen Fry and Scarlett Johansson. My sock drawer truly has become so extensive that it demands organisation.

Basically, I've got two main categories of socks: summer socks and winter socks. Each of these categories can be further subdivided into cycling socks, dress socks, and socks I wear on my johnson when no one's around.

I'm thinking of building a revolving two-layered drum thing that reacts to the ambient outside temperature so that my sock drawer will present me with my summer or winter selection as appropriate. Or perhaps it should be based on the length of darkness. I seem to recall this is how trees tell when spring is upon them. Basically, if it's dark for too long they get all depressed and shut down for the winter. Once the period of darkness shortens past a certain threshold they know it's spring and start showing off their gonads again, literally extruding them from within their own flesh.

That's what I need -- something that reacts to what the weather is like outside and what season it is and extrudes an appropriate pair of socks from my wardrobe. "Extrude" may not be completely the correct word here, but I'm sticking with it because it sounds cool. And, hey, maybe my magic sock drawer really could extrude my socks -- or, better yet, the footboard of my bed could extrude them right over my feet in the morning.

Think how wonderful it would be to be woken up this way! Rather than an annoying clock radio suddenly blaring out "thought for the day", you could be woken by a considerate footboard, lovingly extruding socks over your feet. Someone please build such a wonderful device! I would love such a thing as a Christmas present next year.

Actually, I would love anything besides socks next year. If any of my friends or family are reading this, please take this as a hint. For Pete's sake, enough with the Goddamn socks already!